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October 12, 2011
Sugar and Spice? A reflection on parenting, gender roles, and identity development.
It's been just over a week since we learned that Baby C was a "she," and I'll admit that it has taken some time to adjust to this new, more clearly defined identity in our household... Mark and I had both almost convinced ourselves she was a "he"- from the super strong pokes and jabs, to the predictions of friends and family.... we were preparing ourselves for a boy! Needless to say, we are ecstatic about Baby C (he or she) and most excited to learn that the baby is 100% healthy and growing on schedule.
As we've started shopping for baby girl clothes and growing accustomed to calling my belly "she" instead of just "baby," I've done a lot of thinking about gender identity, sexual identity, and the pressure there is to define babies based on their biological sex. As a student affairs educator, working with young adults and individuals throughout their careers in higher education, it is my obligation to recognize any and all of their identities, including gender identity (which is different from biological sex, and sexual identity), among many others. Recently, I learned that several of my previous students have bravely announced their preference to change their names and the pronouns previously assigned to them- both transitioning from female to male identities. I am so proud of these young men, and impressed by the courage, perseverance, and sense of self-identity it requires, and will continue to require, as they live their lives as the men they identify as. I also am frustrated that they have each had to live 18-20 years to this point being labeled as girls, when that identity was not natural or correct for either of them.
Since our original plan was to not learn our baby's sex until delivery day, our nursery design and all of the accessories we were considering were black and white, primary colors, or muted neutrals that appeal to both Mark and I. We were careful to avoid anything too masculine or feminine, in colors or design, since we wanted the nursery to be appropriate for a boy or a girl. Now that I know we will have a daughter, I have more time to think about the environment we will welcome her into, the clothes and accessories she will be raised with, and the type of "girl" she will be taught to become.
My mom certainly didn't worry about the affect PINK would have on me... I was drenched in the color from the day I was born- to the point that at 7-years-old I refused to wear anything pink until I was in 8th grade. (Now I love to wear pink, but it's my choice to express my femininity in my own ways, not someone else's decision). As I shop for baby clothes and imagine our little girl growing up, I find myself unsure of the best way to imagine her, not wanting to default to stereotypical "girly" images replete with pinks and ruffles....
Mark and I have decided that we want to avoid too many pastels, classic "baby" things, and to limit the amount of baby-girl-pink that we use with our daughter. As parents, I think the best thing we can do is accept whatever and whoever our children grow up to be. There are already a few pink things in her wardrobe, and they are VERY cute(!), but I plan to dress her in neutrals and blues and greens just as often as pinks and purples- colors and styles are not limited to one gender only. I am inherently drawn to bold colors, jewel tones, and black and white combos anyway- and I plan to dress my children true to our style and sensibility. We will not be raising our children in a completely gender neutral environment, as some parents are attempting these days, but hopefully just removing the pressure of social stereotypes to be one way or another- this article touches on our version of "gender neutral". Both of these articles linked here offer a glimpse into the pressures of stereotypes and ways to be supportive, effective parents- encouraging children to explore and mature into whoever they were meant to be.
The latest Tide commercial reinforced this conviction for me... see it here. Just because a mom has dreams of her daughter in ruffly pink things does not mean it is not just as wonderful or appropriate for that daughter to prefer hoodies and cargo shorts. I pray that we will be supportive parents of any and all things that our daughter is born to be, whether that is a dancer, an engineer, or even a boy.
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